


But Not for Me

by galapagos



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, POV First Person, Romance, Slow Burn, nick valentine's pov, noir style, some angst and sad stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 15:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6014034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galapagos/pseuds/galapagos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick Valentine narrates his meeting the Sole Survivor of Vault 111. Eventually, he falls in love with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Damsel in Distress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick Valentine is rescued unexpectedly and finds himself in a new, very interesting case.

There was no warning before Dino took the shot to the head and fell over, dead. It made my words seem a little prophetic even though I knew it wasn’t Malone who’d bumped the guy off. It wasn’t his style. I just hoped it was a rescue.

 

“Hey you,” I called, “I don’t know who you are but we’ve got about three minutes before they figure out muscles-for-brains ain’t coming back. Get this door open.” 

 

I heard a rustling and some typing noises. Then the door opened and she walked in.

 

I was more than a little surprised, “Gotta love the irony of the reverse damsel-in-distress scenario. Question is, why did our heroine risk life and limb for an old private eye?” I lit a cigarette while I looked her over.

 

She was something else. Red hair, red lipstick, a pretty face, sad eyes, and enough weapons for a small army on her person. There was a big German Shepherd type dog with her too. She looked a little confused by me but didn’t say anything about it, seemed she had manners. That in itself was unusual, something interesting was going on here.

 

She hesitated for a moment frowning, “My baby, Shaun, he’s been taken. I don’t know why or by whom but I was told you could help.” 

 

A simple statement. I knew there was more to this but it was neither the time nor place to get the details of the case.

 

“Well, I’ve done cases with less. Somehow ‘nice and simple’ never seem to make it onto the menu in my world. I’ve been cooped up here for weeks. Turns out the runaway daughter I came here to find wasn’t kidnapped. She’s Skinny Malone’s new flame, and she has a mean streak.”

 

This elicited a slight raise of the eyebrows from my newest client.

 

“Anyway,” I told her, “you’ve got troubles. But now ain’t the time. Let’s blow this joint. Then we’ll talk.”

 

We headed out and I took Dino’s gun before we moved on. I told her about the vault, and how Skinny and his boys had moved in, trying to make it into the big time. Skinny’d always been strictly small time until he started having delusions of grandeur. Finding this empty vault had just fed into them.

 

We got down the stair when I heard someone coming. It was some of Skinny’s boys.

 

“How you want to play this?” I asked the redhead.

 

She answered by checking her guns and moving into position. She gestured to the dog and he snuck into the room. Then she fired, taking the first guy’s head off. The dog took number two while my new client easily smoked number three. I finished the second guy off for the dog, who pranced back over like a prize poodle.

 

“Hard, loud, and fast,” I said, little stunned, “Well, it’s effective.” I wondered who would be stupid enough to take this lady’s baby?

 

She grabbed some stimpacks and a few rounds off the ex-mobsters and we headed up the stairs. We had a few more of these escapades before we finally got the the exit. 

 

I hoped against hope that we’d miss Skinny altogether, though I warned my companion to be on the lookout. But I got the last door open and there he was. Big as life and with that harpy of a girlfriend of his, Darla, blocking our way to the exit.

 

“Nicky? Whatta ya’ doin’? You come into my house. Shoot up my guys. You have any idea how much this is gonna set me back?” Skinny demanded.

 

I didn’t like the glint in Darla’s eye. She was mean. I was just lucky Skinny was still the boss of this outfit and not her.

 

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for your two-timing dame, Skinny. You ought to tell her to write home more often.” 

“Awww, poor little Valentine. Ashamed you got beat up by a girl? I’ll just run home to daddy, shall I?” Darla cackled

“Shoulda’ left it alone Nicky. This ain’t the old neighborhood. In this vault, I’m king of castle, you hear me. And I ain’t lettin’ some private dick shut us down now that I finally got good thing goin’.”

 

My new friend snorted quietly during this little speech of Skinny’s. I had to agree, seemed to me Darla was king here.

 

“I told you we should've just killed him,” Darla half shrieked with she gripped her basebat in anger, “but then you had to get all sentimental! All that stupid crap about the ‘old times’.”

 

This whole thing was quickly dissolving into a domestic dispute.

 

“Darla, I’m handling this! Skinny Malone’s always got thing under control!”

 

“Oh yeah?” Darla shot back, “Then what’s this lady doin’ here, huh? Valentine must’a brought her here to rub us all out.”

 

“Ahh, we get to me,” she muttered under her breath as she stepped forward slightly. This lady was a character.

 

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but all of you know each other?”

 

“Yeah,” I said, “Skinny and me go way back. I came here looking for this dame, her folks thought she was kidnapped.”

 

“Hey! If you got questions address ‘em to me!” Skinny was angry 

 

Red, cliche I know, pursed her lips and turned to him

 

“You and Mr. Valentine know each other quite well, don’t you?”

 

“Oh yeah, me and Nicky go way back. But he crossed a line here.”

 

“Come now Mr. Malone, this was all a big misunderstanding and you know it,” Red said, “Look, if Darla had let her parents know she wasn’t kidnapped then Valentine wouldn’t have come looking for her, right? If Valentine wasn’t here, I wouldn’t have come looking for him, and none of us would be in this situation right now. Just let us go and we won’t come back. Ever.”

 

“You shoot up my guys and then you… Augghhh. Ok, fine. You can go but only ‘cause I owed you Nicky. Ya’ got until the count of ten to get outta here.”

 

“What!” Darla shrieked, “My Momma was right. Gangsters are just all talk.” She fled off down the tunnels. That was unexpected, though I had a feeling Darla would be back and it wouldn't end well for Skinny.

 

Skinny started counting and I lead Red and her dog out the quick way.

 

“Honestly, I didn’t think that was going to work,” she said with a shake of her head when we got to the surface, obviously surprised.

 

I chuckled, “Well, it did. Thanks for getting me out, how’d you know where to find me?”

 

“Ellie told me,” she said matter-of-factly.

 

“I oughta give her a raise,” I light a new cigarette and took a drag, “Sorry, but I didn’t get a chance to ask your name before.”

 

“Declan Sowka,” she extended a hand and we shook. That was a little odd, people just didn’t shake hands anymore. Not even vault dwellers.

 

Red suited her better. But it wasn’t the time or place.

 

“Well Ms. Sowka, let’s get back to my office and we can discuss your case.”

 

The walk back was uneventful; we managed not to run into anything too dangerous. It didn’t take us long to get back to Diamond City. Ellie was happy to see me, she even pushed some caps into Red’s hands before pushing the idea that she should be my new partner.

 

“Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Ellie. The lady here needs our help first. Sit down, make yourself comfortable,” I told her, “Now, what can you tell me about the kidnapping? I’m sorry to do this to you, but I need every detail you can think of, no matter how painful.”

 

Red sat down, her dog next to her, his head on her lap. She petted him absent mindedly while she spoke.

 

“Where do you want me to start?”

 

“At the beginning, just tell me whatever you remember.”

 

“We were evacuated to a vault, Vault 111, when the bombs started falling.  It was just supposed to be a normal vault but then they put us into some kind of cryo-machine stead. They told us it was decontamination, then just froze us.”

 

“You were on ice since before the war?”

 

“I guess so, yes. I found some information on a terminal, it was some kind of cryogenics experiment. All I know about the war is that someone fired nukes at us. My husband, Nate, and I headed with our baby to the vault we’d been assigned to for our military service. When we got there, we were frozen. That’s all I know.”

 

“It’s ok, can you describe the people who took your baby?”

 

She nodded, “That was when I started waking up, there were these people trying to get into Nate’s pod. There were a few of them, I’m not sure how many. I know there was woman in some kind of hazmat suit.”

 

“Anyone else?”

 

“Yeah, there was a man too. He was bald and had a big scar across his face. He was wearing some kind of makeshift armor. I’ll never forget his voice though. It was like sandpaper across your face.”

 

Ellie shook her head, “Nick, you know who that sounds like?”

 

I nodded, “Ma’am, do you remember hearing the name Kellogg at all?”

 

Declan shrugged, “Maybe? I’m not sure. It was hard to hear and I wasn’t fully awake. I was still locked in my chamber when they got Nate’s open. He was holding Shaun. They took Shaun from him and when he tried to stop they - they shot him. I couldn’t get out. I don’t know how long it was before I did. Maybe a few hours? I lost consciousness. When I got out, I tried… Nate was dead, as was everyone else. I found my way out of the vault and into all this,” she gestured around her. 

 

“Do you know when you woke up?”

 

“I’m not sure. It’s been several weeks at least, I’ve kind of lost track,” she sighed.

 

“I got to be honest with you Mrs. Sowka, this sounds like Kellogg’s MO.” 

 

“It’s not - Declan or just Sowka is fine,” she waved a hand dismissively but she leaned in, very interested in Kellogg, “He’s done this sort of thing before? Take children, I mean.”

 

“Oh yeah, your description matches that of several other parents with missing children.”

 

“He used to live here,” Ellie chimed in, “There was a boy with him, he was about ten or eleven though.”

  
“Kellogg skipped town a while ago, but his house may give us a lead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the meeting with Nick and, later, Skinny Malone. It's so well done and very noir, so I kept it. 
> 
> The title of this work is a Gershwin song. The Ella Fitzgerald version is my personal favorite. You can find it [ here](https://youtu.be/5lRMl3z26As).  
> 


	2. A Lead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The duo have dealt with Kellogg.

Red stood over the body. She was panting and covered in blood, some of it hers. Then she jerked away from it suddenly. She walked, a little shakily, across the room and sat on the stairs. 

 

“You ok?” I asked. 

 

She nodded, “Yeah, I just need a minute. That was a lot and I - I just don’t understand. God, they've had him so long.” She looked up at me her face was grimy and sad, she sighed her expression becoming unreadable, “I-I can’t deal with that now or think about... I should search him.”

 

She walked back over to Kellogg, crouched, and examined the dead guy closer. She checked his pockets first and took his pistol, then she started looking more closely at the body.

 

“Look at this, it looks like some kind of cybernetics,” she pulled off some pieces of the dead guy’s body. She got out a scalpel from her pack and carefully removed something from the remains of the guy’s head.

 

“Oh lovely, you gonna poke around his innards now? You ever let anything go to waste?”  

 

“Waste not, want not. Now, stop being a baby, Valentine,” she muttered. I came closer to see what she was so engrossed in, but stepped back when I got a good look at the body. I wasn’t squeamish but I also didn’t really want to dig around in somebody’s remains. She must of modded the hell out of that shotgun of hers, he was a lot messier than I expected.

 

She made a little noise and finally got the implant out. That was the first time I saw her smile, it was a quick thing that changed her whole face. A slight shake of her head, a little crinkle around the eyes, and an upward pull of her lips. 

 

“This was in his brain!,” she held up the gooey implant and waved it toward me. I took it and looked at it closely while she continued her work, the implant looked awfully familiar. “Oh! And look at this, he had a servo in his elbow,” she pulled it out with a sickening pop. 

 

She turned to look at me, a slight smile on still on her face. It faded slightly when she saw me looking at the implant, “What’s the matter?”

 

“This implant,” I said, “this is Institute. Look pretty familiar too. I might have an idea of what we could do with this.” I smiled at her and the hope that was clear on her face.

 

She nodded, biting her bottom lip just a little in anticipation, “That’s great. I’ll finish up here. You and Dogmeat head up stairs and I’ll meet you in a few minutes.”

 

Dogmeat and I went back upstairs and kept a lookout while we waited for Declan to finish stripping the corpse. I got through half a cigarette before she was done. 

 

“Let’s get back to Diamond City,” I told her, “We’re looking for the Institute now, we need to talk to Piper.”

 

She opened her mouth to answer when a rumbling overhead and a loudspeaker announced the Brotherhood of Steel rolling through, or more accurately above.

 

“What the hell is the Brotherhood of Steel? And why does it sound bad?” 

 

I looked up, “Not sure, but I don’t like the sound of it either.”

 

Red shrugged as the airship flew off, “I have a feeling we’ll have to deal with that later.”


	3. First Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pair have a new lead and there is a subtle shift in their relationship.

“Nick!” Red sounded almost frantic.

 

“What’s the matter?” I’d been running some internal diagnostics. It was kind of like being asleep for a brief minute, I wasn’t aware of what was going on around me. We had been on a last name basis so it was odd to hear her call me Nick.

 

I looked at her face. Her expression was one of confusion and, quite frankly, horror.

 

“You don’t remember what happened just a minute ago?” she asked edging closer. 

 

“No, I was running a diagnostic. Did something happen?”

 

“You - It was Kellogg talking through you.”

 

I stiffened, “Dr. Amari said there might be some remnants of the memories…”

 

“I shouldn’t have let you do this, it was too dangerous,” Red said.

 

“Hey, we didn’t have any other options” I told her. I stood up, I needed to move around. “And I’m ok.”

 

She nodded but didn’t look convinced, “I just hope you’re right.” 

 

“Look, if you’re worried. I’ll do a set complete diagnostics on myself and have Dr. Amari supervise, ok?” I offered. 

 

She looked relieved, “Yeah, that would be good. I don’t want anything to happen to you, Nick.”

 

We headed downstairs and I told Dr. Amairi the plan. She agreed readily and I told Declan to wait for me at the Third Rail.

 

“I won’t be more than and couple of hours,” I said, “You go take a break, get something to eat, relax. I’ll meet you there when I’m done.”

 

****

I found Red on a stool at the Third Rail like we planned. She was hunched over her drink, face blank and body limp. 

 

“Are you alright?” Her voice was slightly hoarse.

 

“I’m fine. No more Kellogg,” I reassured her.

 

“I’m not sure what I would have done if that had hurt you. No more stupid risks like that, Nick. We’ll find Shaun but I can’t lose anyone else along the way,” she turned to look at me. I knew she meant it from the look in her eyes. Of course, the stubborn set of her jaw helped too.

 

“Ok, Declan,” I said. 

 

She sat a little straighter and I could tell she was relieved but there was still something bothering her. Her expression was still a little slack. I hesitated a moment before I took the plunge and broached the subject.

 

“Declan, what's wrong?” I asked. “Please tell me.” I knew whatever had her so down she need to talk to someone. Unfortunately, it seemed I was the only one she had at the moment. She stared straight ahead eyes fixed on nothing. I thought for a moment she wouldn't answer but then she spoke.

 

“There was a protocol. If too many of the people died, the system was to supposed revive the survivors. I was in there ten years after they took Shaun. Do you think Nate bled out for ten years in that pod? Is that why I woke up?” she asked, voice flat and tired. It was full of despair and pain. 

 

The cigarette nearly fell out of my mouth at her words.

 

“Damn…” 

 

I didn’t know what else to say. I sat next to her, hoping my presence would be some help I guess. I had no idea what to do, but I couldn’t help but think of Jenny. I knew how she felt and I knew there wasn't much I could do.

 

I reached out and touched her hand softly, trying to let her know I was there for her. She jerked slightly startled by the sudden contact but grabbed my hand as I tried to pull it away. She squeezed it gently.

 

“Thank you Nick,” she said.

 

She was still holding my hand. She gave it one more squeeze before letting it go. 


	4. A Gentleman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick gets a surprise.

Red came down in a fresh outfit: a soft, red, plaid flannel and old jeans. She was barefoot. 

 

I opened the door to my office.  

 

“You got a haircut,” I said as soon as Red looked up from my work.

 

“Yep.” Red smiled widely a faint hint of color in her cheeks. “Honestly, I feel almost guilty at how nice it was. But I couldn’t stand having my hair hanging in my eyes any more.” 

 

I chuckled, “I don’t have that problem, but I know what you mean.” 

 

Ellie came in then, carrying something large and floppy wrapped in old newspaper. She looked excited.

 

“What’s that,” I asked, suddenly suspicious.

 

Ellie grinned, “Something for you.” she set the package down on the desk in front of me, “Open it!”

 

I untied the string holding it closed and found an outfit exactly like I was wearing only clean and unpatched.

 

“Where did you get this?”

 

“Declan found it when she was in Fallon’s basement a while back,” Ellie said.

 

“And Ellie was good enough to alter it to fit you properly,” Red added.

 

Ellie was beaming, “I did it with the sewing machine you brought me.”

 

“Well, you ladies are quite the marvel,” I said. 

 

“It was Ellie’s idea,” Red said with a grin. “She said you were starting to look more like a ragamuffin than a detective. She was right, so here we are.”

 

Both women laughed.

 

“Go change,” Ellie prompted and practically dragged me to the back stairs. 

 

I changed quickly, putting my old things aside to be washed, they were dirty but still perfectly good.

 

When I came down, Ellie and Red were chatting. I faked a cough to get their attention. 

 

Red wolf whistled jokingly when she saw me. That was something I was not aware she could do. I was suddenly glad I couldn’t blush. 

 

She grinned at me, “Very nice, Valentine. You look like a gentleman.”

 

Ellie clapped her hand together happily, “It fits beautifully, Nick!”

 

“You did a great job Ellie,” Red said.

 

“She did,” I agreed. The clothes fit like a glove. I had no idea how she had got my measurements.

 

“We, all three, look respectable now. Of course, Ellie always does, but still,” Red said, hopping up from her chair, “This calls for a celebrations. Come on you two, dinner’s on me tonight.”

 


	5. A Helping Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick gets some much needed TLC for his hand.

“Does your hand bother you?” Red asked unexpectedly. “It’s just I see you fuss with it a lot or you do that Napoleon thing where you tuck it in your jacket.”

 

“It’s fine,” I said, trying to brush off her comments. She was pretty observant. The hand tended to get stiff since it was uncovered. I had to continually tinker with it to keep it working. Sometimes it would get irritated, the sensors sending me garbage information.

 

Red raised an eyebrow, “Shove the stoic shit and let me have a look.”

 

I held the hand out sheepishly. She took it gently and looked closely. “Take your coat off and roll up your sleeve,” she ordered and pulled some things out her pack. 

 

I did as she said and sat on the edge of the desk. She was wearing a pair of magnifying glasses she'd jerry-rigged from some old microscopes she’d found. She looked ridiculous and a chuckle escaped me.

 

“Oh sure, laugh it up Valentine,” she smirked and took another look at my hand. She frowned slightly as she worked, “You get a lot of irritation from this hand?”

 

“It gives me a lot of garbage,” I admitted.

 

She nodded solemnly and pushed glasses up to look more closely. 

 

“The elements have been wreaking havoc on you, some of the wires and sensors are quite damaged. There quite a bit of fraying and some things are a bit crossed up,” she gave me a lopsided grin, “Not something a screwdriver can fix. I think I can help a little, replace a few of the most damaged wires at the very least. I don’t want to do more than that.”

 

“Afraid you’ll hurt me?” I teased.

 

“Yes,” she said frankly. “I can do some simple repairs but I’m not qualified to perform major surgery Mr. Valentine,” she added with the same playful grin from before.

 

I laughed. “Ok, doll,” I teased, “Go ahead.”

 

She raised an eyebrow and smirked, “Ok. But you let me know if anything hurts or doesn’t feel right, doll.”

 

I rolled my eyes but didn’t say anything and let her get to work. She’d pointed out my habit of using old fashioned endearments and nicknames with people before. It was a holdover from the old Nick and I couldn’t help it, honestly. Especially with people I was fond of.

 

It was a tedious procedure. It took Red a few hours to replace the most worn circuits in my hand. She kept stopping to make me test it and give her a full report on functionality. She did a damn good job of it really. The hand was less irritating by time she was done, I was still getting useless readings but there wasn’t nearly as much interference.

 

“Well, that about does it Nick. You weren’t the world’s worst patient,” she said as she packed up her remaining gear.

 

“Thanks Declan,” I said, flexing my hand.

 

“You’re welcome,” she tossed something at me out of her bag. “You really should wear a glove on that hand when you’re out. At the very least when it’s raining.You're water resistant but not completely waterproof, and the dust and dirt of the Commonwealth isn't exactly good for Your internal organs either,” she added. 

 

“Oh, how have I made it this long without you?” I said sarcastically.

 

“I have no idea, you problem child.” She laughed. “Just humor me, ok?”

 

“Ok, ok” I conceded. “You’d think you were a nanny-bot,” I grumbled. She did have a pretty logical argument, I couldn't really object too much.

 

She shook her head, still smiling, while she rolled her eyes. “Well, you do act like a baby. Come on, you can buy me some noodles.”

  
I put my coat and my new gloves on and we headed out. 


	6. Big Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red gets hurt. Nick finds he's in trouble.

“Come on Red, don’t do this to me. Wake up,” I pleaded and brushed her hair away from her face. 

 

She didn’t look too badly hurt, but she’d hit her head pretty good. The stupid Brotherhood were fighting super mutants again. We had tried to skirt the edge of the battle, but some idiot had dropped a big bomb. We’d been blown off our feet and Red was knocked unconscious. I’d given her a few stimpacks and the bleeding where she’d hit her head had finally stopped, but I was worried. Head wounds were hard to judge and I was no doctor. If she would just wake up, she’d be ok. 

 

“Are you calling me Red?” she muttered as her eyes fluttered open. 

 

Her voice was shaky, but she was talking and seemed to understand what was going on around her. Relief washed over me. 

 

“Thank goodness,” I said, “You took quite a hit.” 

 

I helped her sit up. “That's it, let's get you up.”

 

She clutched her head with one hand, her eyes squeezed shut again. Then she blinked a few times and looked me square in the face. “Red?” she asked. 

 

I couldn’t tell if she was annoyed or amused. Her makeup was smeared, her hair was wild and crusted with blood and dirt. She looked ridiculous but, more importantly, she was ok. 

 

I laughed. I couldn’t help it, I was just so relieved.

 

“Ass,” she said, but the slight crinkle around her eyes let me know she was amused.

 

“Sorry, but you’re quite the sight.”  

 

“Red?” she repeated.

 

“It suits you,” I admitted, “I’ve always thought so.”

 

“First Blue, now Red? What am I? A color pallette? Oh well, I...owwww,” she tried to stand but fell back and I grabbed her, making sure she didn’t fall again. “Sorry, I’m a bit dizzy.”

 

“Easy now, let me help you up,”  she was a little awkward but managed to get to her feet with my help. 

 

She stumbled into to me as she got up. One hand went to my chest to steady herself as she leaned against me. Her touch felt electric.  

 

“Thanks,” she said.

 

“No problem,” I murmured, still lost in the feeling of her body against mine. I was in trouble. Big trouble.


	7. Dammit Valentine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Winter is dead, Nick comes to terms with this.

“Everything I ever was belonged to Nick. I’d hoped with Winter gone, the last hint of that old world snuffed out, I could finally be free. But being out here with you, what I finally realized after all this time was that taking down Winter, it wasn’t about Nick or Jenny or even you or me. It was about justice, about doing what’s right, and that act of goodness, that’s ours. All the good we’ve done: that’s ours and ours alone. And even if that’s the the only thing in this world I can ever claim as mine, not Nick’s, not the Institute’s, but to mine, then I can die happy.” 

 

Red made a small, choked noise. Then she grabbed me in tight hug, burying her face in my shoulder.

 

“Dammit Valentine,” I heard, her voice muffled by my coat. “Dammit,” she repeated.

 

“Hey now, it’s alright Red,” I said trying to loosen her grip on me. "I don't mean it as a bad thing, I've come to terms with what I am and I'm ok."

 

She pushed away but gripped me tightly by the shoulders like she was afraid she’d lose me if she let go.

 

“Nick, you have to know that justice, it's not the only thing you have. You have people who care about you: Ellie, me... You’ll always have me,” her eyes were moist, and her lip quivering so slightly it was barely noticeable. Red buried her face in my shoulder again while she hugged me and I hugged back this time. She felt good: solid, real, and oh so comforting. 

 

“Thanks,” I said a little weakly. I was touched by her concern, and a little overwhelmed. Both by her concern and her closeness. “So I, uh - I take it you still want to travel with a beat up ol’ synth like me?”

 

“Of course,” she said looking up, “Always.” 


	8. A Good Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read and Nick share a sad moment.

Tears flowed down her face, “My old life ended when they shut me up in that pod, Nick. That’s when Nate and Shaun - my Shaun - dammit, the older Shaun - died. I can't try to live in that world. I will always love them but I have to move on. It’s a different world now, and I’m a different person.” 

 

“I’m sorry, Red,” I didn’t know what else to say. The regular platitudes, the quotes, they just didn’t seem right.

 

“I know you are.” She turned to look at me. “You’re a good man, Nick Valentine.” She leaned in and her lips softly, ever so softly, brush my cheek. “Thank you,” she murmured, still achingly close.

 

“Anytime,” I said, trying to stay cool. I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her, to tell her she had my heart and always would. No matter what. But I couldn’t do that to her. It wasn’t fair, but who had ever said the world was fair? Because it sure as hell wasn’t. She wasn’t for me. Love was not for me. So, I smiled at her and hoped she could take some comfort in that.

 

Her smile was painfully sad. It twisted inside me like a dagger. Then she turned and walked away. 


	9. Lingers On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and Red talk about their old loves.

I took a bottle out of my desk and poured two drinks into some nice glasses I had managed to scrounge. Red and I were alone in the office, Ellie had gone home for the day.

 

“So, what is this all about Nick?” Red asked sitting down and watching me curiously. I had asked her to come and she had, though I hadn’t told her why.

 

“Nick and Jenny were supposed to get married on this date,” I explained, “I always felt terrible before, it's not so bad this time. I know this might seem strange but I'd like you and I to have a sort of celebration.”

 

Red nodded and took the offered drink.

 

“I think that's lovely Nick,” she said. “Thank you for including me.”

 

“If you don't mind me asking, what was your wedding like when you and Nate got married?”

 

“We got married right before we were shipped off to Canada for the stupid annexation. It was a rushed affair but nice. Our friend Shaun and Nate’s sister, Liza, planned it for us, they even got their parish priest to perform the ceremony. We had the reception at a dinner owned by friends of Nate’s parents. We skipped out of it early and had a short honeymoon.” Red smiled wistfully and asked, “What kind of wedding were they planning?”

 

“A small church wedding, Jenny had a lot of class, everything was very tasteful. I very clearly remember when Nick proposed. He was nervous as hell but it went off smoothly. It was a classic affair: fancy restaurant, champagne, down on one knee and everything.”

 

“I remember when Nate and I got engaged. We'd been dating for about five years solid. Shaun, who had introduced us in the first place, dragged us on this terrible double date. Then he ditched us at this awful tiny plate restaurant. Nate and I ended up hole in the wall kosher deli, the food was excellent and it just sort of popped out over the matzah ball soup.”

 

“You asked him?” I asked.

 

She nodded, “Kind of, he made some kind of comment about having to do this more often and then I said something along the lines of ‘how about every day?’ and he just nodded and the next day we went and picked out rings. We got married a few weeks later. Then we were separated by the war for a while, then after Shaun died we both left the military to settle down." She took a drink and we were silent for a moment. Then she said , "Ok, now you have to tell me about Jenny.”

 

“Well,” I said leaning back a little, “Nick and Jenny met in court. She was a psychologist and child welfare advocate and was there as an expert witness. Nick was there to testify in a different case and they ended up talking and hit it off. They dated for a while before Nick worked up the courage to ask her to marry him. He took her to this fancy French restaurant, L’Espalier in the Back Bay. After dessert came, he got down on one knee and proposed. Jenny had the good grace to act surprised. They went dancing afterward. She was murdered a few months later and Nick just fell apart. I understand why he loved her so much, I kind of do too.”

 

Red nodded and set her drink down. Then to my surprise she moved to sit on the edge of my chair, draping her arm over my shoulders lightly, “Oh Nick, we’re quite the pair aren’t we? With our memories, all the people we’ve lost.” 

 

“Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality,” I said. I felt Red’s grip tighten a moment before she laid her head on top of mine giving me a sort of side hug.

 

“The song is ended but the melody lingers on.” Then she stood and retrieved her drink, sitting back down in her own chair.

 

“Did you just quote Irving Berlin?” I asked.

 

Red nodded. “We were getting a little heavy with the Dickinson there,” she said, “This should be happy, remembering them.”

 

“Say not in grief that he lived, but in gratefulness that he was,” I said, quoting the old saying.

 

“Exactly.”

 

“I can drink to that.” Then I smiled remembering a particularly funny story, “Let me tell you about the time Jenny brought home an abandoned pet snake.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality" Emily Dickinson
> 
> "The song ends but the melody lingers on." Irving Berlin
> 
> "Say not in grief that he lived, but in gratefulness that he was." Old Hebrew Proverb


	10. And I Love Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and Red finally get everything out in the open.

“Knock knock,” Red said as she looked around the door, tapping it lightly with her knuckles.

 

“Oh, come on in,” I said. 

 

I looked up at her and saw she was dressed up. Well, at least in Commonwealth terms. Red usually did on her few days off. She was wearing ankle length jeans and a short, red top that tied in the front. Just a small sliver of her midriff showed when she moved. The outfit hugged her curves in all the right places. She would have been a sensation pre-war. Hell, she still was. 

 

Red closed the door behind herself, hesitated a moment then locked it.

 

“I don’t want to be disturbed,” she said, “and no one around here ever knocks. I need to talk to you, Nick.”

 

Her normal aura of calm confidence seemed to have evaporated. I was worried, Red wasn't nervous often and it was disconcerting. She moved to the other table and sat down on the edge while she fiddled with something, collecting her thoughts. I tried to wait patiently but it was hard.

 

“What’s the matter, Red?”

 

She put down her bit of junk and looked at me, really looked at me. I could almost feel her eyes moving over me. She held eye contact for what felt like a long time before she spoke, then her eyes darted around like she was looking for what she wanted to say.

 

“I’m not sure how you’ll take this, Nick. You’ve always been rather friendly, which isn’t bad, but I don’t...” she sighed and looked at me again, “I can’t do it anymore, Nick.” Her mouth worked a bit as she stared at me, trying to get herself together.

 

“I, what?”

 

She rubbed her face with her hands for a moment, “The flirting. Nick, I can’t take it. It’s been good, very good, but I can't go on with it...” Red was upset, in fact she was really distressed. 

 

“I’m sorry, I never realized it bother you.” I stood, if I still had a human stomach it would have been churning. I felt terrible.

 

“No! God! I’m not explaining this well. I - I have  _ feelings _ for you Nick and I can’t keep going on with this,” she waved her hand, frustration making her words hard to find, “whatever this is between us. I'm not subtle Nick, I never have been. I'm sorry, but I need to know how you feel. If it’s just friends I can take it, but... I can’t take not knowing.”

 

That’s when the bottom dropped out. I half fell back into my chair. My mouth dropped open I was so shocked.

 

“I’m sorry, Nick. I’m so sorry,” she said.

 

She was going to leave. The woman I loved was going to leave thinking I didn’t care for her.

 

“I love you, Red,” I said.

 

“What?” 

 

She stared at me as I stood, a blank look on her face.

 

I took her hand gently, “I love you Red. I just don’t understand how you could feel for an old bucket of bolts like me.”

 

Red looked at me for a moment like I was the biggest idiot she had ever met then took me in her arms and put her head against my chest. She laughed softly.

 

“Damn it Nicky, you’re one of the kindest, best people I’ve ever met. How could I not fall for you?”

 

I tilted her head up gently to look at me, “You give me too much credit, darling.” I leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth, she surged up into it. Her hands working up to my neck. I felt like a thousand volts were running through me. It was wonderful. She sighed when the kiss finally broke. 

 

“Besides,” she murmured, a wicked grin on her face, “you know what a sucker I am for old junk.”


End file.
